Two perspectives don't have to be a problem

Last night my husband asked me a question about my daughter's preparation for an upcoming rodeo. He said:

“Usually she goes to a barrel race to practice and get ready for an important rodeo. Why didn't she this time?”

I told him she didn't feel like she needed to.

She had done what we call a “cruise through the pattern” at her home barn instead.

That's a lot of rodeo language for my non-rodeo people. 😂

Basically, she practiced at home instead of going to an actual race to prepare.

Without remembering his exact words, his response was something along the lines of...

"Why isn't she taking this seriously and preparing fully?"

And looking back now, THAT was the moment I should've been paying attention to what was happening inside of me.

Because my brain immediately went to:

Defend her.

Now, I actually kept my cool.

I didn't lose my shit or anything.

In fact, I tried to get curious instead of furious.

I asked him what he thought she needed to be doing to be “adequately ready.”

And I was pretty proud of myself for that.

Look at me winning at this game of life and emotional regulation.

AKA not losing your shit. 😂

Well.

I got schooled.

I'll spare you the long version because no one really wants to climb into the middle of our marriage dynamics.

But we ended up fighting.

Like actually fighting.

Raised voices.

Shit from the past.

“You always do this.”

The whole thing.

Eventually we went to separate rooms and didn't speak for the rest of the night.

So... nailed it.

And if you ever wonder why on earth this woman shares all her shit...

well, I do it for you. 😂

Because if you also live in some precarious people dynamics, I want you to know you're not alone.

And hopefully you'll also learn that there is hope for all of us. Haha.

But here's the interesting part.

I woke up the next morning and almost immediately thought:

Why couldn't I just let him think what he thinks?

Why did I need to do anything with his opinion at all?

And that's when I could see the whole thing differently.

He had a perspective.

I had a different one.

That's it.

Two perspectives.

But something happened inside of me when I heard his.

I felt the need to defend her.

I wanted him to see it my way.

I wanted to protect my kid from some future conversation I imagined might happen because of the way he was seeing this.

I wanted him to stop looking at what she was doing through what I perceived as a negative lens.

So I tried to change his perspective.

I defended.

I explained.

I argued.

I tried to make him see it differently.

And THAT is what I could finally see the next morning.

His perspective did not require me to agree with it.

But it also didn't require me to DO something with it.

It could just be what it was.

I thought emotional regulation meant getting better at managing how I felt.

I'm starting to think it has a whole lot more to do with stopping the belief that every feeling requires an immediate reaction.

Because I'm probably going to feel something when someone I love says something I strongly disagree with.

I'm going to feel the frustration.

The anger.

The urge to defend.

The urge to explain.

The urge to make them understand.

The feeling isn't necessarily the part I need to change.

Maybe what I need to change is: what I do next.

Feeling.

Urge.

Behavior.

And this time, I followed the whole damn thing right down the line. 😂

I felt it.

I had the urge to defend, explain, change his mind.

And then, I behaved on it.

But, eventually I saw it.

Unfortunately, it was the next morning while we still weren't speaking. 😂

But I saw it.

And that's the work too.

Because maybe next time I see it while it's happening.

And eventually maybe I feel it starting.

Maybe I hear that little voice inside of me saying...

Defend her.

Make him understand.

Change his mind.

And instead of automatically doing what I always do next...

I don't.

Maybe I just let him have his perspective.

Maybe I say,

“I completely disagree with you.

And that's okay.”

Because two people seeing something differently doesn't actually have to be a problem.

Sometimes the problem starts when I decide the other person needs to see it like I do.

So no.

I didn't nail it last night.

Not even close.

But this morning?

I saw it.

I'll take the win.

With you,

Still learning.
Still coming home.

— Stacie