I'm Not OK, and That Is OK

I Am Not Okay and THAT Is Okay

I went through an era of trying really hard to be a good vibes only kind of person.

It started when I learned about the Law of Attraction.

The idea that our internal energy attracts more external energy of the same frequency.

And I really began working on how I felt on the inside.

I wanted to be someone who saw life through the lens of the glass being half full instead of half empty.

I worked on my thoughts.

I tried to find the positive in everything.

And when someone came to me to share what they were going through, instead of just listening and supporting them, I went straight to...

"Well, let me show you the positive side of this."

Because somewhere along the way, I started believing that feeling bad was... bad.

If I was sad, I needed to change my thoughts.

If I was angry, I needed to find a better perspective.

If I was feeling anything other than good, I needed to do something about it.

And underneath all of that was this fear that if I allowed myself to feel bad, I was somehow attracting more bad things into my life.

What started as wanting to see the good in life had turned into believing I wasn't supposed to feel anything else.

Good vibes only.

Except...

I'm human.

And humans feel the whole damn spectrum of emotions.

There is nothing wrong with seeing the positive in a situation.

But there is something wrong with believing you have to be positive all the time.

And this lesson really hit me when I sent my firstborn child off to college.

Five hours away.

My bestie.

The girl I did everything with.

I knew it was going to be hard.

And honestly, the drop-off was hard, but not awful.

The awful hit the next day.

When life was just supposed to go on.

I woke up and I was not OK.

I was sad.

Like really fucking sad.

And before anyone starts checking on me... 😂

I'm OK not being OK.

Actually, that's the point.

I was sad because I love that kid a whole freaking lot.

Nothing had gone wrong.

My daughter was off starting this incredible new chapter of her life.

And I missed her.

Both things were true.

I didn't need to fix it.

Distract myself from it.

Numb it.

Or convince myself to feel differently.

I could just be sad.

So I put on my gym shoes.

Not to outrun it. 😂

Just to take it with me.

Turns out I can feel like shit AND go to the gym.

Who knew.

And I think there's something really important in that.

I can feel what I'm feeling without immediately needing to make it go away.

I don't have to change the feeling before I keep living my life.

I can be sad and go to the gym.

I can miss my daughter and be excited for her.

Both can exist at the same time.

I'm learning that the goal isn't to be high vibes only.

It's to let myself have the actual human experience.

Feel the feelings.

All of them.

Just don't build a house there.

Because I don't want to spend my life trying to outrun the uncomfortable parts of being human.

And I don't want to move into them permanently either.

Sometimes I'm just going to feel like shit.

Sad.

Sneakers on.

Carry on.

With you,

Still learning.
Still coming home.

— Stacie