If I just...Then I'll be

I've wasted so much time in my life judging myself for my choices.

Drinking the third glass of wine.

Not going to the gym like I promised myself I would every time Monday rolled around.

Losing my cool when my husband says something that pisses me off instead of responding like the emotionally evolved human I swear I am trying to become. 😂

What is wrong with you?

Why can't you just...

And then comes the promise.

I'm gonna change.

I'm going to do better.

I'm going to show up and make the right choices. Do the thing I said I would do. Keep my cool. Drink less. Work out. Follow through.

And THEN...

I'll finally be a good little human.

Then maybe I'll have earned the success. The weight loss. The security. The happiness. All the good things I'm searching for.

Except apparently, I've never done quite enough to earn them.

And then something happened that hit me.

My friend had a baby.

This tiny, absolutely precious little human.

And one day, with her laying on my chest, I had this thought:

When does she become unworthy?

Because right here, right now, there isn't even a question.

She's whole.

She's complete.

She doesn't need to accomplish anything to earn her worth.

She doesn't need to show up better tomorrow.

She doesn't need to lose weight or get rid of her wrinkles.

She doesn't need to behave like a "good little girl" so we'll love her.

She doesn't need to DO a damn thing.

She's worthy because she is.

So when does that change?

When does this tiny human become someone who has to prove she deserves to feel good about herself?

The answer that hit me was...

She doesn't.

And neither did we.

We never actually lost our worthiness.

We just learned somewhere along the way that it had conditions.

If I just...

Then I'll be worthy.

And apparently I'm still unlearning that one.

Almost every Monday. 😂

After a weekend of relaxing, enjoying good food and maybe drinking a little too much wine, my brain is ready bright and early Monday morning with the performance review.

Here's what you did wrong.

Here's what you should have done.

Here's how we're going to fix you this week.

And I'm starting to catch it.

Ahhh.

There it is.

I'm doing it again.

I'm taking choices I made and turning them into evidence about who I am.

And maybe that's the part I'm learning to separate.

I can decide I don't like a choice I made.

I can decide I want to drink less.

I can go to the gym today.

I can apologize when I lose my shit.

I can change my behavior without making any of it mean that there is something fundamentally wrong with me.

Because that little baby lying on my chest?

She'll make mistakes someday too.

She'll make choices she regrets.

She'll probably lose her shit.

She'll hurt people and apologize and learn things the hard way because she'll be a human being.

And none of it will make her less worthy than she was lying there on my chest.

Maybe the same is true for me.

And for you.

Still learning. Still coming home.

Stacie